G-Love & Special Sauce Bring Out the Goodies!

Special Sauce: Oh, I almost forgot! I left my Super-Special Sauce sizzling on the oven. I better go check on it! [Steve retreats into the kitchen, leaving G'Love and his super-special squadron of "love" to clean up the table. Meanwhile, Hundo finds himself in a precarious sitaution as the rock upon which he is standing continues to crumble. He is no longer standing on solid ground but tumbling down down down towards the Grand Chamber Below. Hundo then whips out another chopstick, using it to slow down his descent. At the bottom, however he looks at his chopstick and observes that it has completely disintegrated in his hand. He wonders what could have made his magic chopstick turn to a bubbling liquid in his hands, but then he starts to comprehend, feeling the ice-cold hand on his shoulder, sapping him of his warmth and turning him slowly towards him. It was 'the Shadow Priest'!! Quck as a fly, Hundo popped a piece of sushi from his pocket into his mouth and began to humm and happy tune to the melody of "Every Blessing You Pour Out":

Every blessing you pour out, Lord, I turn back to praise you. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will sing: Blessed be the name of the Lord, and etc.

The Shadow Priest, whose ice-cold breath was beginning to suck at Hundo in a 'Kiss of Death' and whose shadows were swirling round him so as to gather all his powers of darkness around him, such whispy clouds that float up from the cracks in the ground, as if all the Spirit-Guards were rising up from the dead. The Shadow Priest, distracted for a moment by the certain signs of the rise of Princess Czernitziti down below, does not see Hundo reaching down to grab the hose of a keg filled with Root-Beer. He sprays it into the Shadow Priest's face which instantly freezes and spreads throughout his body. Pulling another chopstick from his back pocket, Hundo jabs it into the frozen Shadow Priest, making him howl up towards the darkness in anger as he shatters into a million pieces. Hundo begins to run, but the pieces begin to melt away at that moment into a grey, silvery substance that conglomerates and congeals with the other pieces around them, then merging with the mists, brings it to them, thereby increasing the density of the liquidy substance on the ground as it forms into puddles of Mudd, silvery and molted grey. Suddenly, there springeth up from the ground a multitude of the Hellish-Host: an entire legion of Shadow Priests!

Having fully congealed and retained their "true colors", they all stood decked out in full Egyptian armor, akin to the God Roh, or that is, "The Dog God", save for the 'Real Gospel', who was looking like on big, new-born babe wearing but a pale, yellow loin-cloth around his waist. This Shadow Priest spoke one command to the others without looking around: "Let's get 'em!"

The Xenia Feast (for 'rill)

He awoke at that moment surrounded, as he thought, by a multitude of angels. As it turned out, however, this was not so much the case, as light now surrounded him on all sides. He had been crawling for hours and must have dozed off at some point during the journey.

"Well, I'll be," thought Hundo. He clambered out to the edge to find himself looking down upon a dinner party with multitudes of the finest fruits: dates, grapes, peaches, and figs were laid on the table in golden bowls, such elegant finery. Along the walls were hanging torches and spoke of an ancient world, while amidst it all was an atmosphere of royal elitism, or simply royalty.

"Ah, I could fit in right there at the head of the table," thought Hundo, but then came along the G-man, like 'Macbeth', to sit in that seat, and raised his glass high before sitting down:

"Having lived well and prospered, the time draws on apace when we must come full circle into that third sphere of 'Ra', being that which is filled with lots of that yummy filling you find in those little tiddily-wink wrappings. Mmmm.. good. But not quite as good as those donuts at Denny's, one hastens to add, on Sunday morning.." Gospel trailed off here, noticing the started look on people's faces as they looked at each other across the table, the royal personal guards giving each other confused looks. Hemley-O-Teth, sitting on the other side of the table, sought to settle them saying, "Donuts-- you know, nut-bread!"

"Mmmmm."

Just then Hundo heard another noise coming from behind. While it turned out to be nothing other than the wind, it nonetheless startled him and the urge to run and hide was irresistible. It was as if upon close inspection the very nature of the pipe were shaking, but how much could it all really take? But then again, the matter at hand was the preservation of all that is truly as good as that film "Laurence of Arabia," while upholding several bonds and investments. Whereas, the keeping of a kosher work environment is key, that what we really need to speak of her is that he would never win in California. ;)

Hundo raised himself a little higher in his hiding place, so as to hear better what was transpiring below. Just now, Hemley-O-Teth was making a toast to all the Xenians gathered at that great table.

Hemley-O-Teth: Welcome all you Xenians, new and old, ugly and beautiful (he happens to glance at Erica, who then takes a huge gulp of wine, letting it dribble down her chin), rich and poor (he looks over at Ted, soon to graduate with a 'Classics' degree), human and Xenian (he looks at Gospel). Welcome all to our humble abode. (He gestures towards the vast, cavernous space that surrounds them.)
One day, all of this shall be yours. You will, if it is your duty and privilege to accept it, live here..

..eternally!"

"It is a very nice place really," continued Hemley-O-Teth, "Really, it is. There are steam-baths in the subterranean caverns below, and more bathrooms above. The belly-dancers are the best in their class (Hemley-O-Teth gestures towards them, seated at the far end of the table) and we've got the nicest chip shop on the whole of "Planet X-ed":
'Mag and Tim's Magic-Meat Shop', aka 'Mag and Tim's Little Shop of Horrors' where they serve up with the aid of their butcher, "G-$", the best alligator soup and sticky rice I've every tasted! Let's all give it up for Mag, Tim, and the new baby: Widgajitta!"

[Thunderous applause.]

And you know what's really great about Mag & Tim's is that they don't discriminate:
Anyone gets a fair share whether they're Xenian, Asian, black/ white, half-breed, alien, alive/ dead/ un-dead. And speaking of un-dead, let's give it up for the waiters for this evening: so G-money!"

He gestures toward the 'un-dead' waiters, standing around, all looking exactly like Gospel with gold bands around their heads and single golden stud in one ear, complete with black tuxedo. "They've just been a fabulous help this evening! And let's make sure as not to forget the chefs for tonight's meal: "G-Love and Special Sauce!"

G-Love and Special Sauce emerge from the darkness of shadows to make a bow before their audience at table. They are very pleased that people are enjoying the food when another figure emerges from the flickering candle-light and darkness. It is Princess Czernitziti!

Hemley-O-Teth: Oh, Princess Czernitziti! How nice of you to join us. You all know Princess Czernitziti, hunh? Yes, well, she's my wife! Currently quite dead.. ah, yes.. [Hemley-O-Teth reaches for an apple from the table.] See?! [He hurls it at Czernitziti and she deftly catches it in her mouth.] "No one alive has those kind of reflexes!" reflects Hemley.

Princess Czernitziti [spitting out the apple]: "Hemley-O-Teth, how long do I have to wait, chilling my fine ass off in some fine, silver-plated, platinum sarcophagus without any insulation and counting snakes, for you to get off your big, fat Pharaoh's ass and resurrect me already?!"

[Hemley-O-Teth addresses his audience.]

Hemley-O-Teth: "Ha! What a girl. She wants to be resurrected. Well, who can blame her? But what she can't get her little un-dead head around is that people don't just get resurrected everyday!" [His voice turns a bit gruff at this point, growling out the word 'resurrect'. Princess Czernitziti looks down, sad and dejected as her bandages falls over her eyes. Hemley-O-Teth rushes over to console her.] There, there, sweet mummy's breathe. After dinner, sweetie, I swear.. on Ra's balls!" [Just then, G-Love approaches the Pharaoh.]

G-Love: "I don't mean to interrupt, oh great one, but can I have a word with you in private?" [Hemley gives Czernitziti one more rub-down, then follows G-Love + Special Sauce into the kitchen as the guests continue enjoying the spread. Hundo, on the other hand, makes his way very cautiously across the large wooden beam, nervous to say the least and his heart is racing a million miles a minute. He is moving very quietly and cautiously along, very pleased with himself, when a chopstick, very accidentally falls out of his back-pocket to land in a glass of root-beer and ice, right next to where Princess Czernitziti had been standing. She glanced over at the chopstick in surprise and looked up, squinting into the darkness to see and if she could make out just where a chopstick could have materialized from the pyramid Great-Room ceiling, when a bowling ball knocked her unconscious.

"You just never know what one will find hidden up in the Xenia rafters!" thought Hundo, very much amused at his situation. Just then, Hemley re-emerged from the Pyramid's Great-Kitchen, followed by G-Love and Special Sauce.]

Hemley-O-Teth: "Oh, sweetie, what are you doing on the floor? Poor, tired muummy-breathe!

Special-Sauce: "She don't look so hot. Should we call a doctor?

Hemley-O-Teth: Thanks but no thanks, Steve-- she's already dead."

Special-Sauce: "But surely with the help of a doctor, she might yet recover!"

G-Love: "No, Steve, you don't understand. She's been dead for four-thousand years."

Special-Sauce: "But I just.."

G-Love (interrupting): "Yeah, I know."

[Hundo, unable to contain his laughter, let's forth one single mighty yelp. They all stop their conversation for a moment to exchange weird looks at which point Gospel says, "Is it just my ancient wizard-ears, or did you guys hear something just now?" They all look over their left shoulders into the darkness, shrug, and return to their conversation.]

Hemley-O-Teth: "C'mon, mummy's breath, up we go. Time for bed." [Hemley lifts Princess Czernitziti onto his shoulder, 'Fire-man-Carry Style' and carries her down to the Royal Resting Chamber. As Hemley-O-Teth steps fade away into the subterranean levels of Pyramid-X, Hundo finally makes it across the long-beam's length to stand on crumbling rock.]

The Warrior-Priest Strikes Back!

When Hundo came to his senses, he was in an altered state of reality, or so he thought, until he comprehended the utter chill of the hard, metal floor. "Well, so much for long underwear," he thought. Then it occurred to him: "I've got chalk!" Sitting on his bum, he began to draw. Bright shone the white of his chalking in the full moonlight, streaming in through the small, square, stone window above. "If only I were up there," thought Hundo, "Then all my cares and worries would be far, far away. Well, perhaps not THAT far away, but pretty far." He finished his circle on the floor and once again employed his handy Xenia-blade to the cool, dark floor of that prison deep underground below the vault, bearing the bodily and precious remains of the late Egyptian queen, Queen Czernitziti, prying it up. "It's like they say," thought Hundo, "Sometimes you've got to descend to ascend; you've got to go down to go back up, sink in order to float, crawl in order to.." Then, he heard voices. Long shadows appeared along the hall outside his cell, but Hundo did not stay long enough to find out to whom they belonged and down he went into the very depths of darkness..

Xenia Feast!

"Well, time to go," offered Gospel, the Shadow-Priest. And off he went with the other merry creatures from deep in the inner recesses of the pyramid's dungeon. Dungeon guards they were, and followed merrily along. At first Hundo thought to join them and sing along with the merry troop as they made their way, not unlike those little children following the pied-piper in that fairy-tale. Ah, what a sad tale. But it was not to be fore the gated door was shut straight in his face and he was left to ponder his mean fate. He was a prisoner, after all. Then to his delight he realized that there were no longer any guards stalking about. So, he cautiously looked out from his cage to make sure nobody was lurking around the corner, then pulled out his nifty camo-knife that he always carried with him on his belt-buckle. No luck. This cage was bolted tight with the Hemley-O-Teth seal of approval. Hundo felt defeated, but then another idea struck him at that moment. He reached down deep in the inner recesses of his pickets to retrieve not a key, not even a ring, but a handful of Every-Flaver Beans (!) he had picked up at the Quidditch Match back on Midd-Earth the other day. He had seen Ms. Erica O'Brien there cheering for her home team, 'the Irish Tumblers', hyped up on these beans, as they were just getting ready to play 'the Scottish Whiskey-Her-Awayers', and offered one to Hundo. "Eww", exclaimed Hudno, "Ear-wax!"

"Tee-hee," responded Erica, "Jokes on you." And moved aside to let the next team onto the field. The only was to get rid of that taste he knew. He'd have to go back to the house for a swig of classic Root-Beer from the Xenia tank.. err.. Keg! He went for one of the older model broomsticks as a source of easy transport, when he was suddenly whisked away onto the Quidditch Field by the Scottish team. "Oh, no", thought Hundo, "Here I go being Hundo-riffic again.." But that's not the half of it. Fellow Quidditch players whisked around on all sides, dodging bludgers, and making their ways with the Quaffle to the golden hoops on either end of the field as the announcers yelled the score play-by-play, transferring over to the incomprehensibly fast mumbo-jumbo of the Mexican announcers who spoke very fast until finally shouting "Gooooaall!" for a full half-minute.

Hundo caught sight of the Golden Snitch and positioned himself behind the Hungary Hippo-griff fans in the bleachers to pounce. In another second, he was holding the Snitch, just as Ms. Kandy-Kane came down to join the action-- pure genius! She lived in a Squirrel-Cave near Xenia House and occasionally Hundo would make the journey so as to munch on acorn-bread together. It was a festive season indeed! Suddenly, Anna, Ted, gospel, and Michelle zoomed on to the Quidditch field on brand-new Model-T broomsticks. Needless to say, they were all quite nude. "Yee-haw!" yelled the future Shadow-priest. "Yippee," said Anna, plaintively, as Cass-Cass rode up beside her wearing a witch's hat and carrying a basket of straberries in one hand as she held onto her broom with the other. She leaned over to put one in Anna's mouth, as Ted rode up, flying circles around Hundo and saying, "So, you like Quidditch, ay there, Benjamin?"

"I enjoy it," responded Hundo, very much still in surprise.

"Well, you keep that up there," said Ted and they all whisked away as suddenly as the had come.

Finishing the last bean, Hundo came back to the dark reality of his present dungeon environment and place of captivity, but another idea then struck him as he reached his left hand in his other pocket to finger a small piece of white chalk: "Oh, buddy."

Yo! It's Hemley-O!

After a few pumpkin seeds, Hundo is back on his horse and recharged for action! Such was the costume of "G", that it exposed nearly every inch of his pale skin, as white as a newborn baby, minus the stretch marks. He tightened the bands around his legs, making him arch back in pain. When the pain subsided, he addressed the Pharaoh and said, "Oh great one, I am now ready to perform the ceremony."

"Let us take him to the snake pit! There we shall wait 'til dawn and as the sun rises, the light will strike this staff, being magnified thereby and alighting this rope which will burn until it breaks, and that will determine the height from which Hundo will fall into the darkness below!"

Then Hemley-O-Teth queried, "But what if he falls too soon? Will not he then perish and die before the snakes have a chance to inject him with poisons repittedy, I mean, rapidity?"

That will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a witch!

"Right," responded Hemley-O-Teth, and with a yawn he said, "Very well, bring him to the pit!"

The guards then, who all bore an uncanny resemblance to Gospel the warrior-priest, raised Hundo somewhat roughly from the ground and dragged him into the dungeon. Contrary to his initial preconceptions about his treatment before being thrown into a snake pit, and being sacrificed to the Egyptian god Ra, he was treated quite well, being waited on by four Egyptian maids who bore uncanny resemblance to Bethany, Sheena, Nitzah, and Danielle (!), fanning the bewildered Hundo on all sides and placing dates inside his mouth.

"Well, I guess they do treat you well before you descend in the after-life!" thought Hundo. As they belly-danced for his viewing pleasure, and gave him a 'happy ending' by giving him a foot bath and massage. They each took turns. Sheena washed as Bethany poured, and 'the Jews' danced. Then they switched. Finally, Hundo was treated to a musical delight by one Megan-o, as the other girls blew bubbles around him. She was a rather enticing gypsy girl, one must say, from the more rural parts of Romania, which is basically the whole state, but that is not to say that the whole state is made up of gypsies!

What a delight was this musical trio! As she finished, Bethany shoved another piece of Turkish delight into my mouth.. err.. Hundo's mouth that is. Satisfying! And as if this was not enough, two more girls, bearing certain resemblance to Anna Spencer and Michelle in turn, emerged from the kitchen, Michelle being dressed from head to foot in large, black loin cloth. Anna on the other hand was only wearing the essentials: a golden bikini, essentially 'the Princess Leah costume' in Jabba's palace, complete with gold bands around the hands and feet, bearing each a golden tray of tea and cookies. Enjoy our Xenian hospitality! they said.

But I thought I was in Egypt, pondered Hundo. "You are," they said, "Four-hundred BC". "Oh man", thought Hundo, "What a shit show! Then why, o why, are you speaking Greek?"

"Well, you don't think the Rosetta stone was translated into various ancient languages for nothing, do you?" asked Nitzah.

"I.." started Hundo. "Don't answer that," she said, "I was being facetious a bit."

"Ah," responded the Hundo, "Well then, I suppose you wouldn't mind reading a favorite passage?"

"Not at all", she said.

"Know thou my name and thou shalt know the way, for I am the Chieftaness and keeper of the way and portal to the world beyond."

"How was that?"

"Not too bad" said Hundo, "But easy on the evil genius references."

"So sorry to offend your sensitive ears." she responded with a smile.

"Don't just not let it happen again," said Hundo.

"Oh, what, so Xenians can't love now or something," said an Egyptian stone-repairer, carrying a heavy load and speaking from outside the window. The old man made Hundo think of the late, great Hedley Stothers, Xenian in good-standing, and keeper of "The Fire-Safety Bag", renowned for its ability to hold an amazing amount of Xenia trash items from the Dollar Store which instantly self-destructs on command by condensing itself into a small, red package the size of one's hand. Years later, Benito of Team Turbo would use this famous bag and its magical condensing powers to hide illicit substances deep in the recesses of Xenia Basement in order to prank his own House, but that's another story..

'The Wrath of Hemley-O-Teth', Part Trois

Hundo's eyes were just beginning to adjust to the light and beginning to comprehend the vast nature of the space in which he now found himself when suddenly Hundo was hit firmly in the leg by a long staff, indicating that he should kneel down before the Pharaoh as more torches flared up, revealing a stone staircase that lead higher and higher to a large, stone throne. In this seat sat the Pharaoh, Hemley-O-Teth, but Hundo did not realize this at first. The Pharaoh's voice sounded resonant in 'the Great Hall' of the Pharaohs:

"Who is it that disturbs the resting place of Princess Czernitziti?"

Hundo: "I didn't realize that this..

Hemley-O-Teth: "Silence!! You have disturbed her resting place and there must then be a reckoning!

Hundo: "Swear, I didn't know, honest..

[Hundo perceived a sharp pain on the back of his head.]

Hemley-O-Teth [turning his attention and gesturing to his left]:
"Let us let the great Alfalfa decide the fate of this mortal! What do you saay, Alfalfa? What is the penalty for tomb-raiders such as this?

[Out of the shadows down below came a figure in a long pitch-black robe, who moved stealthily enough among them on the periphery of the torch-light, a concentric circle, encompassing the first level around Hundo, until he stood beside the kneeling boy, facing Hemley-O-Teth. He laughed now a great, full-bodied chortle, which broke into gasping wheezes before he answered the great Hemley-O-Teth. Suddenly Gospel grew serious:]

"Let us perform the ancient rite of Ra!"

And as he said this, he thrust his hands upward and outward like so. The dark cloak came off to reveal the gold bands and loin cloth that G. was wearing. Only from the backside could Hundo make out the writing of "The Book of the Dead" on the back of his skull.

Hemley's Wrath, Part Deux.

Yet not before having taken one last look back up into that desert world to find a mess of bodies lying scattered all between those two massive dunes. The sky was now darkening as a swirl of clouds, blue and purple, encircled into a spiral above one solitary figure hands which stretched up now towards the sky and its seething darkness in a sickening glow. Such was the power which moved in the heavens and such was the power and strength that coursed through his naked torso, absorbing all the power which he had recently conjured onto that plain.

Then presently in a few moments more with eyes closed he breathed a deep breath as of satisfaction. Hundo, not knowing what to make of all this, stared in dumb-struck adoration, but quickly made to go back down into the hole when the warrior-priest's attention turned towards him suddenly. As this new, hulking Gospel moved towards him, down he went, back into the darkness and a damp place below the sands. After waiting for awhile for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, trying to figure out just what new role Gospel had conjured for himself in this strange new world, he stopped trying to use his throbbing membrane and continued down a now hazy grey cooridor, crouching as best he could. After about two hours or so (or so it felt) his shoes brushed and scraped against sand and he could sense that the space would soon open up, as indeed it did all of a sudden, and Hundo found himself standing in a large, dark room, standing on solid rock and sand, with torches casting long shadows all around.

As Hundo would learn in short order, he had just tunneled into the sleeping chamber and eternal resting place of the late Queen of Egypt, Princess Czernitziti! She had been expecting him..

Issue #2: "The Wrath of Hemley-O-Teth"

Having examined the white door frame from all sides, opening and closing it several times and peering around it just to make sure, Hundo surveyed the scene. Desert dunes surrounded the door-frame on all sides under a clear, blue sky. Hundo looked back at the white door, but with no other alternative in sight, he shrugged to himself and started walking. What peculiar creatures and alien-like forms awaited him beyond the next dune, he wondered silently to himself, on this strange, new world. He turned back every so often to orient himself with the door, watching it grow smaller and smaller each time he turned, until finally it disappeared over the horizon.

“Well, so much for that idea,” he thought. Now what would become of him? Was he destined then to wander the sands of time forever and a day? He began to feel a might bit thirsty in the radiant sun and was feeling very glad to have taken the “Desert Survival 0101 Workshop” back at his college on Midd-Earth. Unfortunately for Hundo, he still needed one more PE credit to graduate, but who wants to graduate in the dead of winter, anyhow?

“I’d rather be in the nice, warm desert,” thought Hundo. “Perhaps a nice, fresh, cool glass of root beer would do the trick..”

Hundo knew that last PE credit would come in handy some day. Who knew it’d be happening so soon?

“Well, well, well” he thought, “That’s life after Midd for you!”

Hundo was just about to mount the next sand dune when a figure appeared then looking down at him. It was Gospel, dressed very oddly with gold bands around his arms and legs, and wearing a white loin cloth. He also had black dots around his eyes and a tattoo, but those new features could not as yet be made out. Nevertheless, Hundo made towards him, but before he could yell out Gospel’s name, a mass of people stormed over the edge of the dune, headed straight for Hundo. Needless to say, he then started running, tripping, sliding, and falling back down the sand dune in the opposite direction. But no sooner had he gotten to the bottom, but another mass of tribal people in Egyptian garb came running over the last sand dune, so that HUndo found himself in rather a predicament. with no other alternative but to stand his ground, he reached down hurridly to grab a handful of sand, thinking to throw it in the eyes of the first attacking tribal warrior. While this would do little to stop their approach, it might give him another second to dodge the first couple blows, but found himself fingering something hard and cool in the sand. “What’s this?” Hurriedly, Hundo opened the trap door and jumped down into the darkness as it closed over him.