The Xenian HALO Sessions (part deux)

"Uh, oh" said Hundo, as they sped across the desert sands of time. "Looks like we got company!"

Sure enough, on a nearby dune stood a couple of soldiers, their Mech-warrior-esque plated armor gleaming in the light form the setting sun. It was "Mark" and "Evangelista", the two most ruthless characters on the Xenia-Box memor card. (The graphics here much improved this desert level was certainly a demo version of the new "Halo 3".)

"Oh, crap" thought Hundo, as "Mark" fitted a grenade launcher to his shoulder, "We need backup."

Suddenly from over top of the next dune came none other than Mr. Lee, all nice and shining in a brand-new 'Warthog'. John-Lee shurgged and radioed in to Hundo and Tootsie-Roll: "Eh, it's a company car," he shrugged. Then he broke into great chroltes as "Mark" and "Evangelista" jumped out of the way, rolling back down the hill.

"Have you ever heard my Tim Bahl's imitation laugh?" he asked, turning his Wart-Hog around for another run.

"Hey, take us in close, Tootsy!" said Hundo to Tootsie-Roll. "You heard the man," said Laura, "We're going in!"

"Ha,hahahaha" Laughed Lee in perfect mockery as Hudno dropped smoothly down through a trap door in the underhull of the Banana's Boat, taking hold of the large rapid-fire making gun in back.

"Ha, ha, ha, (ha)" laughed Lee again, as Hundo started firing off, making the Red Team do a "hot dance" in the sand.

"Blue Leader, this is Lee. We're going to circle round until we get the 'all clear' signal from HQ/" John radioed in to Blue Leader. Suddenly a chopper appeared over the dune from behind.

"Don't stop now!" came Blue-Leader Tim Bahl's voice over the loud-speaker. "They've still got more guys over the next dune!" Then, a whole legions came pouring over the top, of Egyptian guard. Alyson lay sprawled out Princess Leia-esque on top of a Scorpion-tank (She struck a fine resemblance to that Egyptian Queen of antiquity, known to all and worshipped almost as a goddess, Cleopatra.), blue blasts were already being sent high overhead as Gospel settled into his slow-moving cruiser. Alongside him were Ted and Steve in speedy cruisers, hovering over the desert's sands and sending up twisters of dust every-which way, coming to join the fun of this little "game" in the desert.

"Be a good sport and show us hot it's done, Steve?!" said Ted with a certain personal relish.

"With pleasure," said Steve, twisting his handles to roar ahead, weaving past the madly prancing century guards and heading straight for Hundo and John-Lee in their Hummer-mobile. "Oh, crap" said Lee, "Brace for impact!" But Steve, knowing the fragility of his vehicle, fired some quick shots, then veered out of the way in the nick of time.

"Woah, that was close!" said Lee. "Evangelista to Red-Leader" Gospel communicated from within the recesses of his large vehicle. "Evangelista to Red-Leader, do you copy?"
"I'm all ears!" came Michelle's voice over the loud-speaker, copying back to all members of the Red-Team.
"How's the view from up there?" said Evangelista.
"Splendid," responded Michelle, spotting the pyramids in the distance.
"How about giving us some air cover?"
"Certainly," she said, moving decisively to the left to avoid Tim's chopper.
"Darn!" said Tim, hitting the dashboard. "I had a lock on Red Leader!"
"Hey, y'all!" came another voice from the air this time on everyone's headset. "Can I play?"
"Hey, honey" said Ted from below. "Whatcha doing up there?:"
"We get Anna!" said Tim.
"Yes," said Mag, in a decidedly South-East Asian accent, "You guys have too many players on your side." She let go of her control stick, causing her plane to drift up, accidentally knocking into Michelle during this time-out.
"Hey!" protested Michelle.
"Oops, sorry." said Magdalena. <"Tee-hee.">
"We should separate the couples!" yelled out Mr. Lee, as Hundo buried himself, knocking out Egyptian footmen like flies.
"No cando," said Gospel. "Ali's my first-mate, but you guys can take Anna."
"Can we get back to the game already!" said Steve, who was driving circles around Gospel's tank.

In the light and radiance of the setting sun, Hedley H. Stothers III appeared atop the dunes/ "Im in." he said simply, hefting a mighty Tazer-sword.
"Old house vs. new?" suggested Hundo, finishing off the last drone.
:Youre on!" replied Evangelista and all communique was silenced for the time being from that point on (with the two exceptions being the orders from each team leader to the men on the ground), but not before Hundo had sent a quuick-text to Tootsie-Roll, explaining that his presence was requested at this, "the Xenia House X-Box Live Rush event and Halo Tournament." With that he flipped up his dark-green 'Camo' character and the game began in earnest, shall we say.

The Xenian HALO Sessions

[The Legion of Shadow-Priests take off in hot pursuit of Hundo, following 'the Gospel'. Hundo, in the meantime, has got himself into something of a pickle..]

Hundo (thinking to himself): How shall I ever escape the 'Curse of Hemley-O-Teth?!
[He makes a left, then a right, down a long cooridor in which he can hear quite palpably the march of the Shadow-Priests, another right, and sprints then quickly up an inclined grade. Up, up, up to back up to the Second Level he runs. The Shadow-Priests are making their turns around the corner. Hundo finds the ascent looping around in concentric squares, up towards the top of the pyramid. At one 90 degree angle of the turn he fails to notice that he has reached the top and the bright, sunny blue sky above the desert sands that surround the Pyramid of Hemley-O-Teth. Hundo has just enough time to think: "My, oh my, that's a mighty way down before he has teetered over the edge and falls with a Legions of Shadow-Priests, falling after him. At the last minute, Hundo is saved by none other than 'Tootsie-Roll', aka H.T. of 'The Adventures of Team Whammo', member of Team Turbo, as well as of the Xenia Social House in good standing. Laura, HT's first mate, acts as the co-pilot of the 'Feigning Pharaoh', who zoons out of nowhere to rescue Hundo from his dreadful fate, even as the Legions of Shadow-Priests fall into a hole, and back to the shadows. Gospel, who had eaten one too many cheeseburgers playing WOW on the Egyptian Mainframe, plugged into a giant vat of Root-Beer and Reese's Pieces, connected to a tube via his belly-button, watches 'Tootsie-Roll's' ship zoom off into the sky again and out of sight. He limps back to find Special-Sauce and call for back-up.

Hundo: "Tootsie-Roll!" Boy, I have to admit, I'm surprised to see you, my man! How's your old ship the Banana Boat 5000 fairing these days?

Tootsie-Roll: Yeah, she kind of took a turn for the worse and started collecting Fruit-Flies, so we had to throw her out. A pity we didn't take her with us. We could have started a composting pile in "Pyramid-X!"

"Ah, no worries," said Hundo. "What are you up to tonight?"

Tootsie-Roll: Yeah, we'll probably watch a couple episodes of 'The Office' on the ship's main computer with 'Gutsy' and friends, then make it an early night, and by "early night" we most definitely mean [But Tootsie-Roll didn't need to finish that last thought.] "Whammo!" said Hundo. "Nice."

Tootsie-Roll (giving Hundo a knowing expression): You know, they don't call me Tootsie-Roll for nothing!"

Hundo: "Sweeet."

G-Love & Special Sauce Bring Out the Goodies!

Special Sauce: Oh, I almost forgot! I left my Super-Special Sauce sizzling on the oven. I better go check on it! [Steve retreats into the kitchen, leaving G'Love and his super-special squadron of "love" to clean up the table. Meanwhile, Hundo finds himself in a precarious sitaution as the rock upon which he is standing continues to crumble. He is no longer standing on solid ground but tumbling down down down towards the Grand Chamber Below. Hundo then whips out another chopstick, using it to slow down his descent. At the bottom, however he looks at his chopstick and observes that it has completely disintegrated in his hand. He wonders what could have made his magic chopstick turn to a bubbling liquid in his hands, but then he starts to comprehend, feeling the ice-cold hand on his shoulder, sapping him of his warmth and turning him slowly towards him. It was 'the Shadow Priest'!! Quck as a fly, Hundo popped a piece of sushi from his pocket into his mouth and began to humm and happy tune to the melody of "Every Blessing You Pour Out":

Every blessing you pour out, Lord, I turn back to praise you. When the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will sing: Blessed be the name of the Lord, and etc.

The Shadow Priest, whose ice-cold breath was beginning to suck at Hundo in a 'Kiss of Death' and whose shadows were swirling round him so as to gather all his powers of darkness around him, such whispy clouds that float up from the cracks in the ground, as if all the Spirit-Guards were rising up from the dead. The Shadow Priest, distracted for a moment by the certain signs of the rise of Princess Czernitziti down below, does not see Hundo reaching down to grab the hose of a keg filled with Root-Beer. He sprays it into the Shadow Priest's face which instantly freezes and spreads throughout his body. Pulling another chopstick from his back pocket, Hundo jabs it into the frozen Shadow Priest, making him howl up towards the darkness in anger as he shatters into a million pieces. Hundo begins to run, but the pieces begin to melt away at that moment into a grey, silvery substance that conglomerates and congeals with the other pieces around them, then merging with the mists, brings it to them, thereby increasing the density of the liquidy substance on the ground as it forms into puddles of Mudd, silvery and molted grey. Suddenly, there springeth up from the ground a multitude of the Hellish-Host: an entire legion of Shadow Priests!

Having fully congealed and retained their "true colors", they all stood decked out in full Egyptian armor, akin to the God Roh, or that is, "The Dog God", save for the 'Real Gospel', who was looking like on big, new-born babe wearing but a pale, yellow loin-cloth around his waist. This Shadow Priest spoke one command to the others without looking around: "Let's get 'em!"

The Xenia Feast (for 'rill)

He awoke at that moment surrounded, as he thought, by a multitude of angels. As it turned out, however, this was not so much the case, as light now surrounded him on all sides. He had been crawling for hours and must have dozed off at some point during the journey.

"Well, I'll be," thought Hundo. He clambered out to the edge to find himself looking down upon a dinner party with multitudes of the finest fruits: dates, grapes, peaches, and figs were laid on the table in golden bowls, such elegant finery. Along the walls were hanging torches and spoke of an ancient world, while amidst it all was an atmosphere of royal elitism, or simply royalty.

"Ah, I could fit in right there at the head of the table," thought Hundo, but then came along the G-man, like 'Macbeth', to sit in that seat, and raised his glass high before sitting down:

"Having lived well and prospered, the time draws on apace when we must come full circle into that third sphere of 'Ra', being that which is filled with lots of that yummy filling you find in those little tiddily-wink wrappings. Mmmm.. good. But not quite as good as those donuts at Denny's, one hastens to add, on Sunday morning.." Gospel trailed off here, noticing the started look on people's faces as they looked at each other across the table, the royal personal guards giving each other confused looks. Hemley-O-Teth, sitting on the other side of the table, sought to settle them saying, "Donuts-- you know, nut-bread!"

"Mmmmm."

Just then Hundo heard another noise coming from behind. While it turned out to be nothing other than the wind, it nonetheless startled him and the urge to run and hide was irresistible. It was as if upon close inspection the very nature of the pipe were shaking, but how much could it all really take? But then again, the matter at hand was the preservation of all that is truly as good as that film "Laurence of Arabia," while upholding several bonds and investments. Whereas, the keeping of a kosher work environment is key, that what we really need to speak of her is that he would never win in California. ;)

Hundo raised himself a little higher in his hiding place, so as to hear better what was transpiring below. Just now, Hemley-O-Teth was making a toast to all the Xenians gathered at that great table.

Hemley-O-Teth: Welcome all you Xenians, new and old, ugly and beautiful (he happens to glance at Erica, who then takes a huge gulp of wine, letting it dribble down her chin), rich and poor (he looks over at Ted, soon to graduate with a 'Classics' degree), human and Xenian (he looks at Gospel). Welcome all to our humble abode. (He gestures towards the vast, cavernous space that surrounds them.)
One day, all of this shall be yours. You will, if it is your duty and privilege to accept it, live here..

..eternally!"

"It is a very nice place really," continued Hemley-O-Teth, "Really, it is. There are steam-baths in the subterranean caverns below, and more bathrooms above. The belly-dancers are the best in their class (Hemley-O-Teth gestures towards them, seated at the far end of the table) and we've got the nicest chip shop on the whole of "Planet X-ed":
'Mag and Tim's Magic-Meat Shop', aka 'Mag and Tim's Little Shop of Horrors' where they serve up with the aid of their butcher, "G-$", the best alligator soup and sticky rice I've every tasted! Let's all give it up for Mag, Tim, and the new baby: Widgajitta!"

[Thunderous applause.]

And you know what's really great about Mag & Tim's is that they don't discriminate:
Anyone gets a fair share whether they're Xenian, Asian, black/ white, half-breed, alien, alive/ dead/ un-dead. And speaking of un-dead, let's give it up for the waiters for this evening: so G-money!"

He gestures toward the 'un-dead' waiters, standing around, all looking exactly like Gospel with gold bands around their heads and single golden stud in one ear, complete with black tuxedo. "They've just been a fabulous help this evening! And let's make sure as not to forget the chefs for tonight's meal: "G-Love and Special Sauce!"

G-Love and Special Sauce emerge from the darkness of shadows to make a bow before their audience at table. They are very pleased that people are enjoying the food when another figure emerges from the flickering candle-light and darkness. It is Princess Czernitziti!

Hemley-O-Teth: Oh, Princess Czernitziti! How nice of you to join us. You all know Princess Czernitziti, hunh? Yes, well, she's my wife! Currently quite dead.. ah, yes.. [Hemley-O-Teth reaches for an apple from the table.] See?! [He hurls it at Czernitziti and she deftly catches it in her mouth.] "No one alive has those kind of reflexes!" reflects Hemley.

Princess Czernitziti [spitting out the apple]: "Hemley-O-Teth, how long do I have to wait, chilling my fine ass off in some fine, silver-plated, platinum sarcophagus without any insulation and counting snakes, for you to get off your big, fat Pharaoh's ass and resurrect me already?!"

[Hemley-O-Teth addresses his audience.]

Hemley-O-Teth: "Ha! What a girl. She wants to be resurrected. Well, who can blame her? But what she can't get her little un-dead head around is that people don't just get resurrected everyday!" [His voice turns a bit gruff at this point, growling out the word 'resurrect'. Princess Czernitziti looks down, sad and dejected as her bandages falls over her eyes. Hemley-O-Teth rushes over to console her.] There, there, sweet mummy's breathe. After dinner, sweetie, I swear.. on Ra's balls!" [Just then, G-Love approaches the Pharaoh.]

G-Love: "I don't mean to interrupt, oh great one, but can I have a word with you in private?" [Hemley gives Czernitziti one more rub-down, then follows G-Love + Special Sauce into the kitchen as the guests continue enjoying the spread. Hundo, on the other hand, makes his way very cautiously across the large wooden beam, nervous to say the least and his heart is racing a million miles a minute. He is moving very quietly and cautiously along, very pleased with himself, when a chopstick, very accidentally falls out of his back-pocket to land in a glass of root-beer and ice, right next to where Princess Czernitziti had been standing. She glanced over at the chopstick in surprise and looked up, squinting into the darkness to see and if she could make out just where a chopstick could have materialized from the pyramid Great-Room ceiling, when a bowling ball knocked her unconscious.

"You just never know what one will find hidden up in the Xenia rafters!" thought Hundo, very much amused at his situation. Just then, Hemley re-emerged from the Pyramid's Great-Kitchen, followed by G-Love and Special Sauce.]

Hemley-O-Teth: "Oh, sweetie, what are you doing on the floor? Poor, tired muummy-breathe!

Special-Sauce: "She don't look so hot. Should we call a doctor?

Hemley-O-Teth: Thanks but no thanks, Steve-- she's already dead."

Special-Sauce: "But surely with the help of a doctor, she might yet recover!"

G-Love: "No, Steve, you don't understand. She's been dead for four-thousand years."

Special-Sauce: "But I just.."

G-Love (interrupting): "Yeah, I know."

[Hundo, unable to contain his laughter, let's forth one single mighty yelp. They all stop their conversation for a moment to exchange weird looks at which point Gospel says, "Is it just my ancient wizard-ears, or did you guys hear something just now?" They all look over their left shoulders into the darkness, shrug, and return to their conversation.]

Hemley-O-Teth: "C'mon, mummy's breath, up we go. Time for bed." [Hemley lifts Princess Czernitziti onto his shoulder, 'Fire-man-Carry Style' and carries her down to the Royal Resting Chamber. As Hemley-O-Teth steps fade away into the subterranean levels of Pyramid-X, Hundo finally makes it across the long-beam's length to stand on crumbling rock.]

The Warrior-Priest Strikes Back!

When Hundo came to his senses, he was in an altered state of reality, or so he thought, until he comprehended the utter chill of the hard, metal floor. "Well, so much for long underwear," he thought. Then it occurred to him: "I've got chalk!" Sitting on his bum, he began to draw. Bright shone the white of his chalking in the full moonlight, streaming in through the small, square, stone window above. "If only I were up there," thought Hundo, "Then all my cares and worries would be far, far away. Well, perhaps not THAT far away, but pretty far." He finished his circle on the floor and once again employed his handy Xenia-blade to the cool, dark floor of that prison deep underground below the vault, bearing the bodily and precious remains of the late Egyptian queen, Queen Czernitziti, prying it up. "It's like they say," thought Hundo, "Sometimes you've got to descend to ascend; you've got to go down to go back up, sink in order to float, crawl in order to.." Then, he heard voices. Long shadows appeared along the hall outside his cell, but Hundo did not stay long enough to find out to whom they belonged and down he went into the very depths of darkness..

Xenia Feast!

"Well, time to go," offered Gospel, the Shadow-Priest. And off he went with the other merry creatures from deep in the inner recesses of the pyramid's dungeon. Dungeon guards they were, and followed merrily along. At first Hundo thought to join them and sing along with the merry troop as they made their way, not unlike those little children following the pied-piper in that fairy-tale. Ah, what a sad tale. But it was not to be fore the gated door was shut straight in his face and he was left to ponder his mean fate. He was a prisoner, after all. Then to his delight he realized that there were no longer any guards stalking about. So, he cautiously looked out from his cage to make sure nobody was lurking around the corner, then pulled out his nifty camo-knife that he always carried with him on his belt-buckle. No luck. This cage was bolted tight with the Hemley-O-Teth seal of approval. Hundo felt defeated, but then another idea struck him at that moment. He reached down deep in the inner recesses of his pickets to retrieve not a key, not even a ring, but a handful of Every-Flaver Beans (!) he had picked up at the Quidditch Match back on Midd-Earth the other day. He had seen Ms. Erica O'Brien there cheering for her home team, 'the Irish Tumblers', hyped up on these beans, as they were just getting ready to play 'the Scottish Whiskey-Her-Awayers', and offered one to Hundo. "Eww", exclaimed Hudno, "Ear-wax!"

"Tee-hee," responded Erica, "Jokes on you." And moved aside to let the next team onto the field. The only was to get rid of that taste he knew. He'd have to go back to the house for a swig of classic Root-Beer from the Xenia tank.. err.. Keg! He went for one of the older model broomsticks as a source of easy transport, when he was suddenly whisked away onto the Quidditch Field by the Scottish team. "Oh, no", thought Hundo, "Here I go being Hundo-riffic again.." But that's not the half of it. Fellow Quidditch players whisked around on all sides, dodging bludgers, and making their ways with the Quaffle to the golden hoops on either end of the field as the announcers yelled the score play-by-play, transferring over to the incomprehensibly fast mumbo-jumbo of the Mexican announcers who spoke very fast until finally shouting "Gooooaall!" for a full half-minute.

Hundo caught sight of the Golden Snitch and positioned himself behind the Hungary Hippo-griff fans in the bleachers to pounce. In another second, he was holding the Snitch, just as Ms. Kandy-Kane came down to join the action-- pure genius! She lived in a Squirrel-Cave near Xenia House and occasionally Hundo would make the journey so as to munch on acorn-bread together. It was a festive season indeed! Suddenly, Anna, Ted, gospel, and Michelle zoomed on to the Quidditch field on brand-new Model-T broomsticks. Needless to say, they were all quite nude. "Yee-haw!" yelled the future Shadow-priest. "Yippee," said Anna, plaintively, as Cass-Cass rode up beside her wearing a witch's hat and carrying a basket of straberries in one hand as she held onto her broom with the other. She leaned over to put one in Anna's mouth, as Ted rode up, flying circles around Hundo and saying, "So, you like Quidditch, ay there, Benjamin?"

"I enjoy it," responded Hundo, very much still in surprise.

"Well, you keep that up there," said Ted and they all whisked away as suddenly as the had come.

Finishing the last bean, Hundo came back to the dark reality of his present dungeon environment and place of captivity, but another idea then struck him as he reached his left hand in his other pocket to finger a small piece of white chalk: "Oh, buddy."

Yo! It's Hemley-O!

After a few pumpkin seeds, Hundo is back on his horse and recharged for action! Such was the costume of "G", that it exposed nearly every inch of his pale skin, as white as a newborn baby, minus the stretch marks. He tightened the bands around his legs, making him arch back in pain. When the pain subsided, he addressed the Pharaoh and said, "Oh great one, I am now ready to perform the ceremony."

"Let us take him to the snake pit! There we shall wait 'til dawn and as the sun rises, the light will strike this staff, being magnified thereby and alighting this rope which will burn until it breaks, and that will determine the height from which Hundo will fall into the darkness below!"

Then Hemley-O-Teth queried, "But what if he falls too soon? Will not he then perish and die before the snakes have a chance to inject him with poisons repittedy, I mean, rapidity?"

That will prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a witch!

"Right," responded Hemley-O-Teth, and with a yawn he said, "Very well, bring him to the pit!"

The guards then, who all bore an uncanny resemblance to Gospel the warrior-priest, raised Hundo somewhat roughly from the ground and dragged him into the dungeon. Contrary to his initial preconceptions about his treatment before being thrown into a snake pit, and being sacrificed to the Egyptian god Ra, he was treated quite well, being waited on by four Egyptian maids who bore uncanny resemblance to Bethany, Sheena, Nitzah, and Danielle (!), fanning the bewildered Hundo on all sides and placing dates inside his mouth.

"Well, I guess they do treat you well before you descend in the after-life!" thought Hundo. As they belly-danced for his viewing pleasure, and gave him a 'happy ending' by giving him a foot bath and massage. They each took turns. Sheena washed as Bethany poured, and 'the Jews' danced. Then they switched. Finally, Hundo was treated to a musical delight by one Megan-o, as the other girls blew bubbles around him. She was a rather enticing gypsy girl, one must say, from the more rural parts of Romania, which is basically the whole state, but that is not to say that the whole state is made up of gypsies!

What a delight was this musical trio! As she finished, Bethany shoved another piece of Turkish delight into my mouth.. err.. Hundo's mouth that is. Satisfying! And as if this was not enough, two more girls, bearing certain resemblance to Anna Spencer and Michelle in turn, emerged from the kitchen, Michelle being dressed from head to foot in large, black loin cloth. Anna on the other hand was only wearing the essentials: a golden bikini, essentially 'the Princess Leah costume' in Jabba's palace, complete with gold bands around the hands and feet, bearing each a golden tray of tea and cookies. Enjoy our Xenian hospitality! they said.

But I thought I was in Egypt, pondered Hundo. "You are," they said, "Four-hundred BC". "Oh man", thought Hundo, "What a shit show! Then why, o why, are you speaking Greek?"

"Well, you don't think the Rosetta stone was translated into various ancient languages for nothing, do you?" asked Nitzah.

"I.." started Hundo. "Don't answer that," she said, "I was being facetious a bit."

"Ah," responded the Hundo, "Well then, I suppose you wouldn't mind reading a favorite passage?"

"Not at all", she said.

"Know thou my name and thou shalt know the way, for I am the Chieftaness and keeper of the way and portal to the world beyond."

"How was that?"

"Not too bad" said Hundo, "But easy on the evil genius references."

"So sorry to offend your sensitive ears." she responded with a smile.

"Don't just not let it happen again," said Hundo.

"Oh, what, so Xenians can't love now or something," said an Egyptian stone-repairer, carrying a heavy load and speaking from outside the window. The old man made Hundo think of the late, great Hedley Stothers, Xenian in good-standing, and keeper of "The Fire-Safety Bag", renowned for its ability to hold an amazing amount of Xenia trash items from the Dollar Store which instantly self-destructs on command by condensing itself into a small, red package the size of one's hand. Years later, Benito of Team Turbo would use this famous bag and its magical condensing powers to hide illicit substances deep in the recesses of Xenia Basement in order to prank his own House, but that's another story..